I Love My Grandchildren, But I Am Not Free Childcare

Let me start with what should be obvious but apparently is not: I adore my grandchildren. There are four of them, ages 3 to 11, and they are the light of my life. I have their drawings on my fridge. I know their favorite snacks, their bedtime routines, and exactly which stuffed animal each one cannot sleep without.

I am saying this upfront because whenever a grandparent talks about boundaries, someone accuses us of not loving our grandchildren enough. So let me be clear. Love is not the issue. The issue is that love is being used as leverage.

How It Started

When my first grandchild was born, I was thrilled to help. I offered to watch the baby two days a week so my daughter could go back to work. It felt natural. I had the time, the energy, and the desire.

Two days became three. Three became “Can you also pick her up from preschool on Fridays?” Then my son had twins, and suddenly I was being asked to cover two more days with a different set of kids across town.

Within three years, I was providing close to 30 hours a week of childcare for free. I had no weekdays left for myself. My volunteer work at the food bank stopped. My book club stopped. My doctor appointments got squeezed into whatever gaps I could find. My back hurt constantly from lifting toddlers.

And when I gently suggested that maybe we should talk about a different arrangement, the guilt hit like a wave.

“But you are their grandmother.”

“Daycare is so expensive.”

“They love being with you more than anyone.”

“Mom, we really need your help.”

All of those things were true. And none of them changed the fact that I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and losing myself.

This Is Not Just My Story

When I started talking to other grandparents about this, I was stunned by how many shared my experience. A retired teacher watching her three grandchildren five days a week. A grandfather with a heart condition who felt he could not say no to his son. A woman who had planned to travel in retirement but had not left town in two years because her daughter depended on her for daily childcare.

The AARP reports that about 20% of grandparents provide regular childcare for grandchildren. Many of them provide it for free. The total value of grandparent-provided childcare in the United States runs into the billions of dollars annually.

Read that again. Billions. For free.

We have built an informal childcare system on the backs of older adults, mostly women, and we do not even acknowledge it, let alone compensate it.

The Childcare Crisis Is Real, But It Is Not Ours to Solve

I understand why my children need help. Childcare in this country is broken. The costs are staggering. In many cities, full-time daycare for one child costs more than in-state college tuition. Waitlists are months long. Quality varies wildly. Many families simply cannot afford it.

This is a genuine crisis, and it deserves a real solution: public investment in affordable childcare, employer-provided benefits, tax credits that actually cover the cost, better pay for childcare workers so the industry can attract and retain good people.

What is not a solution is expecting grandparents to fill the gap for free.

When the government fails to fund childcare, and employers fail to support working parents, the burden does not disappear. It rolls downhill, and it lands on grandparents. On our time, our health, our finances, and our retirement plans.

We did not create this problem. We should not be the ones absorbing its full weight.

The Guilt Machine

The hardest part of setting boundaries is not the logistics. It is the guilt. And the guilt comes from everywhere.

From your own children. “You stayed home with us. Why won’t you do the same for your grandchildren?” Because I already raised my children. I spent 20-plus years doing that work. It was the most important thing I have ever done. But I finished. I am in a different chapter now.

From society. The image of the devoted grandmother is powerful. She bakes cookies. She is always available. She never complains. She lives for her grandchildren. Any grandmother who does not match this image is selfish. At least that is the message.

From yourself. This is the worst part. I feel guilty when I say no. I feel guilty when I am tired. I feel guilty when I want a Tuesday to myself. Even writing this article, a voice in my head says, “What kind of grandmother complains about spending time with her grandchildren?”

The kind who has learned that running herself into the ground does not help anyone. That is what kind.

What I Actually Want

I do not want to stop seeing my grandchildren. I want to enjoy them.

There is a difference between spending an afternoon at the park with your grandson because you want to and spending 8 hours managing a toddler and a preschooler because your daughter has a work deadline and no other options. One is a joy. The other is a job.

I want to be the grandmother who takes them for ice cream, reads them stories, and teaches them to play cards. I want to be the one they run to with excitement, not the one they see as a daily fixture no different from daycare.

When grandparenting becomes unpaid labor, it changes the relationship. You stop being the special person and start being the default. And both you and the grandchildren lose something precious in that shift.

Setting Boundaries Is Not Selfish

It took me a long time to learn this, and I am still learning it. But I now believe that setting boundaries with your adult children about childcare is one of the most loving things you can do.

For yourself: You have earned this time. You spent decades working, raising children, and putting others first. Retirement is not a holding pattern until your grandchildren need you. It is your time. You get to decide how to spend it.

For your children: When parents rely entirely on free grandparent care, they do not develop other solutions. They do not push employers for flexibility. They do not advocate for better childcare policy. They do not build the support network they will eventually need when you are no longer able to help. Boundaries push them to build resilience.

For your grandchildren: Children benefit from a happy, rested, engaged grandparent, not a resentful, exhausted one. When you take care of yourself, you show up better for them. And you model healthy boundaries that they will carry into their own lives.

For your health: This is not abstract. Grandparents providing intensive childcare report higher rates of depression, chronic pain, and sleep problems. Your health matters. If you burn out, you cannot help anyone.

How I Did It

I will not pretend it was easy. There were tears, mine and my daughter’s. There were tense conversations. But here is what I did, and what I would suggest to any grandparent in a similar position.

I picked a number and stuck to it. I decided I could comfortably do two days a week, total. Not two days per family. Two days total. I told both of my children this clearly and calmly.

I gave advance notice. I did not make the change overnight. I gave them two months to make other arrangements. That was enough time to find supplemental care.

I stopped apologizing. “I am sorry, I just cannot” became “That does not work for me.” The shift in language mattered. I was not doing anything wrong. I had nothing to apologize for.

I suggested alternatives. I helped research affordable daycare options. I connected my daughter with a neighborhood parents’ group that did childcare swaps. I offered to pay for a babysitter one afternoon a week as a gift.

I held the line. There were moments of pressure. “Just this once” requests that were never just once. Emergency asks that were not really emergencies. I said no when I needed to, and the world did not end.

To the Adult Children Reading This

I know you are struggling. I know childcare costs are crushing. I know you feel like you have no good options. I do not minimize any of that.

But please try to see your parents as people, not just as resources. Ask us what we want, not just what we can do for you. Respect our time the way you would respect a paid caregiver’s time.

And if your parent says they need a break, believe them. Do not guilt them. Do not make them feel like they are letting you down. They raised you. They have done their part. Anything they give now is a gift, not an obligation.

To the Grandparents Reading This

If you are happy with your childcare arrangement, wonderful. Keep doing what works. Not every grandparent feels the way I do, and that is fine.

But if you are tired, if you feel taken for granted, if you have given up parts of your life that mattered to you, I want you to hear this: you are allowed to say no. You are allowed to set limits. You are allowed to want your own life.

Saying no does not mean you love your grandchildren less. It means you love yourself too. And that is not selfish. That is healthy.

It took me too long to figure that out. I hope it does not take you as long.

Patricia Gomez is a retired office manager and grandmother of four based in San Antonio, Texas. For corrections or updates, please contact us.

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