How to Have the Driving Conversation with an Aging Parent

You noticed the dents on the car. Or the near-miss at the intersection. Maybe a neighbor called to say they saw your mother driving on the wrong side of the road. Or your father got lost on the way to the grocery store he has been going to for 30 years.

You know you need to say something. But how do you tell the person who taught you to drive that it is time to stop?

This is one of the most difficult conversations a family can have. Driving is tied to independence, identity, and freedom. Taking it away feels like taking away a piece of who someone is.

But safety has to come first. Here is how to have this conversation with honesty, respect, and compassion.

Why This Conversation Is So Hard

To understand why your parent may resist, think about what driving means to them.

Freedom. A car means going where you want, when you want. Without it, you depend on others for every trip to the store, the doctor, or a friend’s house.

Identity. Your parent has been a driver for 50 or 60 years. It is part of how they see themselves. Giving up the keys can feel like admitting they are getting old.

Control. Losing the ability to drive is a loss of control over daily life. For someone already dealing with other age-related changes, this can feel like one loss too many.

Isolation. In many parts of the country, there is no public transportation. Without a car, a person can become stuck at home.

When you understand what is at stake, you can approach the conversation with more empathy.

Warning Signs That It Is Time to Talk

Not every older driver needs to stop. Many people drive safely well into their 80s and beyond. But certain changes are cause for concern:

Getting lost on familiar routes
Running red lights or stop signs
Slow reaction times
Drifting between lanes
Difficulty turning to check blind spots
New dents, scrapes, or scratches on the car
Near-misses or minor accidents
Confusing the gas and brake pedals
Driving too fast or too slow for conditions
Other drivers honking frequently
Feeling nervous or confused behind the wheel

If you have noticed several of these signs, it is time to talk.

Before You Start the Conversation

A little preparation goes a long way.

Gather Facts, Not Opinions

“You are a dangerous driver” will put anyone on the defensive. Instead, note specific incidents:

“Last Tuesday, you missed the turn onto Oak Street and seemed confused about where you were.”
“I noticed three new scratches on the car this month.”
“Your neighbor mentioned that you ran a stop sign on Elm Avenue.”

Specific examples are harder to dismiss than general worries.

Talk to Their Doctor

Many older adults will listen to a doctor before they listen to a family member. Call your parent’s doctor and share your concerns. The doctor cannot tell you anything without your parent’s permission, but they can listen to your observations and bring up driving at the next appointment.

Some states allow doctors to report unsafe drivers to the DMV. A doctor can also order a driving evaluation, which may feel less personal than a family member’s opinion.

Get the Whole Family on the Same Page

If siblings or other family members are involved, talk to them first. Agree on your concerns and your approach. A united family is more effective than one person making the case.

If other family members disagree, try to find common ground before talking to your parent. Mixed messages will undermine the conversation.

Think About Alternatives First

Your parent’s first question will be: “How am I supposed to get around?” Have answers ready before you bring up the topic.

Research these options in your parent’s area:

Rides from family and friends. Set up a schedule so one person is not doing all the driving.
Ride-sharing services. Uber and Lyft are available in many areas. Some offer programs designed for older adults who do not use smartphones.
Public transportation. Buses, trains, and paratransit services are available in many communities.
Senior transportation programs. Many communities offer free or low-cost rides for older adults. Your local Area Agency on Aging can help you find them.
Volunteer driver programs. Organizations like ITNAmerica connect older adults with volunteer drivers.
Grocery and pharmacy delivery. These services reduce the number of trips needed.
Medical transportation. Medicare and Medicaid cover transportation to medical appointments in some cases.

Having a plan shows your parent that you are not just taking something away. You are helping them find a new way forward.

How to Have the Conversation

Choose the Right Time and Place

Do not bring this up during a holiday dinner or in the middle of an argument. Pick a calm, private moment when you will not be interrupted.

Avoid having the conversation right after a driving incident. Emotions will be too high. Wait a day or two, then bring it up.

Lead with Love

Start by telling your parent why you care. Something like:

“Dad, I love you, and I want you to be safe. I want you to be around for a long time. That is why I want to talk about something that is on my mind.”

Use “I” Statements

Compare these two approaches:

“You are going to kill someone.” (Accusation)
“I worry about your safety when I see new dents on the car.” (Concern)

“I” statements share your feelings without attacking. They make it easier for your parent to listen.

Listen to Their Side

Your parent may have concerns you have not thought of. Maybe they are already nervous about driving but afraid to admit it. Maybe they have been avoiding highways or night driving on their own.

Ask open-ended questions:

“How do you feel about driving these days?”
“Have you noticed anything different when you drive?”
“Is there anything about driving that worries you?”

Sometimes, asking is more powerful than telling.

Suggest a Driving Evaluation

If your parent insists they are fine, suggest a professional driving evaluation. These are offered by occupational therapists and some driving schools. The evaluation tests vision, reaction time, judgment, and actual driving ability.

This takes the decision out of the family and puts it in the hands of a professional. Many parents are more willing to accept this than a family member’s opinion.

AARP also offers a Smart Driver course that helps older drivers update their skills and assess their own abilities.

Do Not Expect One Conversation to Solve Everything

This is rarely a one-time talk. Your parent may need time to process what you are saying. They may get angry or refuse to discuss it. That is normal.

Be patient. Bring it up again later. Keep the door open for ongoing conversation.

What If They Refuse to Stop?

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, a parent will not give up the keys. Here are some options:

Ask their doctor to intervene. A medical professional’s opinion carries weight.
Request a DMV re-test. In most states, anyone can request that the DMV re-evaluate a driver. This is anonymous in many states.
Involve other trusted voices. A clergy member, close friend, or lawyer may be able to get through.
Limit access to the car. As a last resort, you may need to disable the car, hide the keys, or remove the vehicle. This should only be done when safety is at serious risk.

This last step can damage your relationship, at least temporarily. But if your parent is truly unsafe behind the wheel, protecting them and others has to come first.

After They Stop Driving

Giving up driving is a major life change. Your parent may grieve the loss of independence. Here is how to help:

Acknowledge their feelings. Do not minimize the loss. Say something like, “I know this is hard, and I am sorry.”
Follow through on transportation plans. If you promised rides, deliver. Nothing makes the transition harder than broken promises.
Encourage social activity. Help your parent stay connected to friends, church, and community groups.
Check in regularly. The first few months are the hardest. Call often and visit when you can.
Celebrate their decision. If your parent chose to stop driving on their own, tell them how much you respect that choice.

A Final Thought

This conversation is not about winning an argument. It is about keeping someone you love safe. Your parent may not thank you today. They may be angry for a while. But years from now, you will know you did the right thing.

Approach it with kindness. Prepare with facts. Lead with love. And remember that the hardest conversations are often the most important ones.

Reported by Thomas Barrett with additional research from the SeniorDaily editorial team. For corrections or updates, please contact us.

Topics in this story

Family Aging

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